Well, Halloween 2009 has officially came and went, and may I say, I didn't have as much fun as I intended, let me tell you that. Okay, SO! First off, I've vented before about this particular friend wanting more than friendship from me, but I finally reached a breaking point on All-Hallows'-Eve. Okay, so the day started out fine(from what I can remember). I hung out with my two friends, NIck and Kat, and of course, I listened to someone else vent out their problems. Don't get me wrong, I love that people come to me when they're feeling like crap, but I've been thinking lately about my own feelings and I just feel like no one cares or even remembers that I also have feelings and problems. I feel like I've been getting pushed aside a lot lately. I feel like no one cares about my views on the subject and I am just so damn tired of it. I'm tired of it all.
Alright, so, Halloween day, I'm with Kat and Nick and I'm going to our friends, Gwen and Roberts, place for a Halloween party. Nick can't go because he had to work, and Kat had made prior plans so we go to my house so I can put on my costume. We hang out there for a while and then leave to go drop off Kat at her place. So we leave Kat's, and NIck and I are on our way to Gwens. He ends up telling me of his last Halloween and from what he told me, he did something he was ashamed of doing. He ended up telling me to be careful because 'we can do dumb shit even when we're sober' as he put. Yeah, I know he cared about me being careful, but I don't think I needed to hear that kind of a story right then. Hell, if I let it, it could have ruined my whole night. But, being his friend, I listened and stuff. We get to Gwen and Roberts and I'm getting out and he's already by my side. He pulls me into a hug thanking me for listening and we're annoyingly close. So what does he do? kiss me on the cheeck and jokes about 'At least it wasn't on the lips!'
And it's like he never even said it. What does he do next? Kisses me on the lips. Thank GOD it was only for a second. I was like, "Uhh... o...kay..?" I laughed it off but inside I was like, "Aww come ON man! WHY did you have to do THAT?!!?!?!?!?" I was pissed, BUT! Being the amazing actor I am, I laughed it off and we went inside. So yeah, Nick kissed me and here I am, sitting on Gwen's couch trying to smell something else than his annoying scent. So yeah, he tells her that he kissed me and blah blah blah, 'I'm calling ALL of my friends!'. So, he leaves five minutes later and Gwen jumps on me saying 'WHY DID YOU KISS HIM!?" and that made me flip my shit. I almost yelled that I didn't kiss him, and he was the one who kissed me. So, main point of this thing is that I turned off my phone for most of this week. So yeah, Halloween itself was okay. Not that fun, but it was okay. I ended up just getting a bit buzzed with Gwen, Robert, and Kirt. But when Gwen and Robert went to sleep, I ended up doing something that I did not intend and I'm still ashamed about. SO! Just so I didn't do anything like that again, I locked myself in the bathroom and did NOT go to sleep.... I literally paced for hours. My mind was a bit..... Scrambled and stuff. I ddin't know what to do, but I was freaked a little bit. I think I may have broke something, but in my opinion, there isn't enough 'evidence to support that claim.' When I felt safe to come out, I pulled up as chair and blanket and tried to get SOME amout of sleep.. which ended up being somewhat between conciousness and unconciousness. Thank God Gwen got up at around 8 and I asked her if she could take me home, like, now. She took me home and I immediately shut off my phone for a while.
So on Thursday, I get a missed call from Gwen. I get up, get ready and call her back. Turns out she and Robert had a huge fight earlier that morning and she was pretty-much kicked out of her own apartment. So, being my sneaky self, I text up Robert acting like I new nothing and he ends up wanting to hang for a while. So Gwen tells me to hang with him and I decided to give her updates. Basically, they're at a supposedly huge breakng point in their relationship and here I am, trying to console Gwen and give her the best advise I can and also trying to find out where Robert stands in the relationship. Does he want to make it work or not? And I really hate to say it, but I think it's more than a 50-50 thing here... and I don't think it's in Gwens favor. So I'm also trying to tell Gwen to be ready for anything and don't get her hopes too high... I just hope they DO try to make things work out as much as they can. It's always sad when a relationship doesn't work out after the two have been together for a while.

It's kind of funny, though. Gwen AND I have Guy troubles at the same time... Sad thing for ME is that I don't even have a boyfriend. *smacks forehead*

Yesterday morning, I woke up to one of the worst sounds in the world and a sound which I've actually been hearing alot over the last month or two- my brother crying. So yesterday morning, he had his Wisdom teeth pulled, and I wake up(once again) to the sound of him crying really hard. I get up and go to his room and he's on his bed crying. My dad is here, too, because he took him and brought him home and he tells me about the medicines and gauze pads if he needs them. My dad had to leave for a while to get certain medicine and stuff for my bro and for the next few hours, I'm hanging out with my brother and doing whatever favors he needs. From adjusting his blankets to getting an ice-pack. It then seemed like my mom was once again making me a slave in my own home. Okay, I guess Slave is a big exaggerated, but still. I once again felt like I was doing everything in the house.

And then there's the last but probably the most important issue right now- I had another nightmare last night. And like most of my nightmares, nothing really happened in it but the scary thing was mostly the elements that where in the dream. I was at a place that resembled this church that I used to go to, but it was just different. So in the dream, I was waiting to see or talk to someone and this person is actually someone I've never met but I know of anyway. Well, I was pretty much just waiting for him and it was really fucking dark outside. And not only that, but it was so dark, I could only just make out some outlines of mostly just buidlings. So I'm waiting and then I try leaving but I can't find my way anywhere. Plus I can't even see in front of me. SO I remember I'm trying to stay calm and I keep looking around even though I can barely see anyway. AT this point, I had wanered only a few feet and I had somehow got lost. So mentally, I'm getting REALLY scared. And then I just started getting more scared at the thought of me not being able to see anything but someone ELSE watching me and being able to see my every move. I felt so completely vulnerable just then. I try to feel my way around but I can't do anything. I then feel like someone IS there, and I do something which now I think was pretty stupid. I call out 'Who's there? Can you help me?' or something along those lines. By now,anyone could see my fear coming out. I wasn't going nuts yet but you could tell I was scared. Then I woke up. It was around 2:30 in the morning and I could NOT go back to sleep until around 3 or 4.

Not the most scary dream I've had, no. But it was still scary, despite the fact that nothing actually happened in the dream. When I woke up, though, it was still a dream that deeply unsettled me. I hate waking up from a nightmare and even though I'm awake now, I'm still really scared. I don't know WHY I would dream about this sort of thing. I don't actually expose myself to gory stuff anymore. But I guess it's not the Physical things that truly scare me. I think I'm more scared about the deliverence of it. Like the Looming Darkness and the waiting for what can happen. What's worse? Physically seeing it before you? Or not knowing when it's going to strike? Like you're robbed of all your senses and you can't see anything and therefore, it's more unpredictable. Not being able to know when it's going to strike, where it's going to strike, and how it's going to strike... You'd never know it's coming. It's like you're trying to make heads or tails of anything and yet the Danger can simply and quite literrally stand in front of your face, look right at you, and touch you if it wanted and you wouldn't even know it's practically breathing on you. All you'd be able to do is just pray... Like that'll save you anyway.